dinner has been rather meaningless ever since the demise of ah ma 8 years ago. today, i was bored and decided to leaf through some of the stuffs that i always saw ah ma holding. the rectangular cigarette box, when i opened it, i saw her handwriting. she wasn’t very literate i suppose, but her every stroke in writing numbers.. those scenes when she would puff into her cigarette jotting some details on her favourite chair is still etched in my mind. i couldn’t resist two drops of tears when i saw all her slips of papers of numbers.

i decided to watch tv. but i was curious and opened the cylindrical cigarette can which she always kept within her reach. more of her handwritings. i couldn’t take it anymore. 2 more tears trickled and i decided it was enough. it has been 8 years. 8 times of reunion dinner without the dishes being changed. ah ma used to steam prawns with garlic and dip with plum sauce. i loved that sauce. but ever since her demise, my mum never cooked that dish. i want to eat steamed prawns in plum sauce, not sweet and sour prawns. i want to eat ah ma’s porridge with teochew-styled steamed promfet (?) and salted eggs. i want to eat ah ma’s ku chye kueh, pink rice kuehs and soon kuehs. suddenly, i realised i missed my ah ma much more than ever.

8 years of absence, 8 years of love, 8 years of braving the heat and incense to visit the temple with ah ma’s ashes. i don’t know why i am crying now.but i feel sad and lonely. kindergarten days were the happiest memories of how i have spent time with ah ma. and they are all that i have left to last me throughout my life. i wish it would rain, i want the raindrops to wash my tears down the drain. i want the time to turn back, i want to eat everything ah ma could cook. i want to be by her deathbed, i want to hear her mutter my name as her last words..

but all these, will never come true anymore. ah ma, i am sorry if i didn’t live up to your expectations. but, i still love you. even though you are physically gone, you will have a place in my heart, no matter which part of the world i am in.

but some parts very superficial! omg NO! and uh, nvm. he’ll remain cute as i see him to be! i think i need to chiong for bio test.

i desperately need to get a decent grade for math test. seriously. i don’t want to be wasting his time. as she said, “since he helped and i’m sure you don’t want to have wasted his time then i guess you are somewhat obliged to study hard for it.” wise words ringing in my ears at this stinking hour.

also, she is very cute! for an adult, i mean. kyx came online and told me about her h1 math class and how she had a fierce outburst because people started eating and drinking in her class on thursday which reminded her of her bad experience in rj when a student brought wanton mee back into class. who the hell eats wanton mee in class man? anw, she’s super cute!

i was walking back to class when i chanced upon her! she stopped and say hi but she had this i-want-to-say-something-but-nothing-comes-out-of-my-mouth expression. so i waited and started the ball rolling. she admitted she was a very careless and absent-minded person (and gave an example that in her previous lesson, she carried the duster and walked around the classroom, leaving it on someone’s table and couldn’t find it near the board when she needed it) LOL and elaborated in her secondary school life about math and physics. she’s super friendly!

and the part about red packets. i was almost going to drop dead from laughing and she still thought i was for real. hahaha!

What do I do when someone whom you always regard dear just burst into tears of frustration all of a sudden?

this wordpress goes out to moan the demise of my first skill CD biology practical and is thus named, dichlorophenolindophenol. god, the world needs some justice and peacekeeping. i got a feeling rain did it, but then the lack of proof silences me.

i enjoyed math remedial today, as much as i enjoyed it yesterday. cheers!

today during pe i saw you and a flock of swifts (?) but i didn’t know what they were so i asked you what were the names of these birds. you gave me a shocked and puzzled look. haha, but you didn’t reply me not that i was expecting you to.. but it was a pleasant surprise to see your reaction though. hee.

so, i skipped the first half of netball to seek help. i thank god for your presence. you have never made me feel demoralised or stupid or lose my confidence. somehow, after some talking and thinking, i see the big picture. i thank your patience and your ability to pinpoint my mistakes by giving me questions to think about what i have just said and think deeper each time. i may not be the smartest, i may not be the best, but i really appreciate you spending 1.5hrs today, for teaching and a casual talk. i’m thankful that there is at least an adult out there who uh, believes in me. i will do my best. not for next monday, but the end of the year.